The Playlist - WTITYB (Whatever, Tell It To Your Blog)

Ah, my little brother. Not so little really, he’s 6′2 and looks like he’s 19-years-old, or at least a very emo 19-year-old.

So he says eventually he’ll get tattoo "sleeves" on his left arm… awesome. I said I would give an update when i discovered what his new tattoos were, but it’s a little bit anticlimactic – at least for me.

He’s branded himself with the H.I.M. logo which I actually knew of before, but I think since it’s actually the most painful ‘tat’ of them all, I probably blocked out the horror of it, sort of like Vietnam Vets did. For those who don’t know what H.I.M. is, congratulations. For those that do, you better have a good excuse (like you write about stupid pop music and you need to be semi-informed like myself).

For the fortunately ignorant, H.I.M. is a Scandinavian metal band that plays, ahem, "love metal." Don’t ask me what H.I.M. is an acronym for, that I don’t know and frankly I don’t want to know. H.I.M. gained attention in the last few years thanks to professional idiot Bam Margera who featured his music on his MTV show and I guess talked them up at every turn. Apparently they are Margera’s favorite band. Try to contain your excitement.

Emo skate rats are impressionable, i guess. I do know a little about H.I.M. because one night when I had to see Melissa Auf Der Maur for work, H.I.M. was the headlining band and I stuck around because of… hmm, morbid curiosity, the allure of free drinks afterwards, stupidity and punishment gluttony. The band was not surprisingly terrible and they did a hilariously awful metal rendition of Chris Isaac’s "Wicked Game." I guess this is where they love-metal thing comes in.

The H.I.M. heart-a-gram logo, that is so popular with the kids is… oh lord, a heart within a pentagram, hence "heart-a-gram." It’s also kinda of a cross between totally laughable and an aggresively offensive aesthetical abomination.

The next tattoo he has is the fabled and infamous "self-designed" tattoo. Almost everyone I’ve ever known who has a tattoo has once had the courage and heroism to take it upon themselves to design their own tattoo. You know, a meaningful symbol, here, another personal symbol here and boom, instantly you have a garish mark on your body no one else would be foolish enough to ever have on their body, thus validating your own existence as a unique snowflake, because no one else on earth has the "Slippery When Wet" symbol and the middle finger drawn inside a ring of fire. Congratufuckinlations, you’re an individual.

Eric’s self-designed tattoo is seemingly a bunch of interconnected swirls and crop circles that look like they were drawn by a drunk Eskimo.

Lastly, he has the "Circa" skate company logo on his left arm because apparently my little brother likes to give away free promotion for a skate company that doesn’t endorse him, nor is aware of his existence as a skateboarder, let alone a human being. Wonderful.

He also has a new piercing, a thing the kids call a "snakebite," which i guess is not really that uncommon, but i’ve never heard it called by that name. I always thought it was labret, but i guess it’s slightly different. It’s basically two studs that pop out at both sides of your bottom lip. I’m sure it has some sort of practical purpose, but I haven’t quite figured what that may be yet. Possibly the innocent thrill of sticking magnets to ones face.

P.S. My mom is watching a telenova right now and meanwhile the house is on fire.

I have a 14-year-old brother. His name is Eric and he’s the apotheosis of angst-ridden, problem child teenager. I think that’s putting it mildly.

He’s not just an hellion, insolent, appallingly behaved kid that makes my poor parents life a living hell, he’s a veritable shit terrorist.  I can’t really get into everything he’s done lately for legal reasons*, but let’s just say he’s a total spoiled brat, malcontent-monster that I would totally beat the shit out of if it wasn’t for the fact that he’d call the cops on me (he’s done this to my other brother several times).

I’ve even debated paying kids in his neighborhood to kick his ass – cause that’s what he needs most badly in life – but a) it would probably be difficult, I don’t know any of these kids, how would I approach them, would they believe me? And b) one of them would likely rat me out and I’d get in trouble with the fuzz and I don’t need that kind of aggravation.

Basically he causes me no end of second-hand frustration (I get a call once a week from my mom on his newest disaster), so I’m going to do what any good older brother would do, I’m going to ineffectually blog about it. That’ll show him. (Someone once asked me, “you’re his older brother, he looks up to you, don’t you try and talk to him?” Uhh, yeah, I’ve tried trust me.)

But hopefully, in the end, this will stand as living and tangible testament to how embarrassing he was as a teenager when he gets to his 20s and looks back completely mortified.

Though, I don’t necessarily need to do this – he’ll have his own physically branded proof of how truly lame he was with him fully on display each day.

Which brings me to his tattoos; he has 6 of them. (How a 14-year-old has 6 tattoos is just another really long story not for today, let’s just say, kid gets away with murder all the time)

I can’t remember them all and 2 of them he just recently acquired so I don’t know what they are, but some of them are priceless and they speak for themselves.

1. Left top shoulder: The Blink-182 logo from their last album. That smiley  face with the eyes crossed out.
2. A checkerboard on his left inside forearm. Ok, this one doesn’t speak for itself. Is he into ska? Really adept checkers player? No clue, and no, for both questions.
3. 3 other tattoos I can’t remember or haven’t yet seen.
4. <a name="stupid">The mother of them all. 1979 tattooed on his knuckles of his left hand. Hmm, both his brothers weren’t born that year, he was born in 1991, so, what exactly is special about the year 1979? Was it Sid Vicious’ death by heroin overdose? The sad defeat of Pierre Trudeau’s liberals to Clark’s PC party? No, sadly, it’s in honor of the band Death From Above 1979. Good god, I know.

I guess I will update this blog entry when I find out what his other tattoos are.
I have suggested two more tattoos though. One that says, “lack of foresight” of his arm or just Chinese symbols that when translated mean, “ask me about my grandchildren.”

I’m about to explain how he got this way.
About a year and a half, maybe two years ago, he called me up and declared, “Guess what? I’m Emo.”

I pretty much shit my pants right on the spot and dropped the phone. “Good lord, keep your voice down, someone’s going to hear you!” So I tried to tell him how utterly stupid that sounded and that he probably meant, “I’m into emo music,” which while still awful and disappointing, would have been infinitely more acceptable than declaring, “I’m Emo.” Man, 14-year-olds, they’re like acid washed jeans they’re such an eye-sore.

My friend KG rather amusingly said I would have rather him call me and state, “Guess what? I’m Gay,”  which is sad, but true.

So, he likes My Chemical Romance, Incubus, Death From Above (are the last 2 emo?) and a bunch of other shitty bands I probably don’t care to know and he has some “emo” band that keeps changing its name and I can’t remember what it is anymore.

He did have a Mars Volta like afro for a minute which was actually pretty cool when you think about it, but then he cut it for a more askewed Fall Out Boy hairdo. And he has one of those big stud ring things in his left ear that makes his earlobe look gigantic –only it’s attached to a long spike and it looks fucking ridiculous.

He also wears womens jeans and has done some male modeling. (Man, you’re gonna really want to punch me in the face in a couple years, huh? )

He’s on myspace (of course), but there’s no way I’m linking to his page. He’s also on the verge of getting kicked out of school and is likely up to no good as we speak. He thinks he’s going to be a professional skateboarder when he grows up. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

In the end, he’s incorrigible. He’s just going to have to go through these teen growing pains and hopefully learn from them, but man, he’s going to be kicking himself in his early 20s when he has to save up a shitload of money to get those embarrassing and laughable tattoos removed. One will hope that will be a huge lesson in itself.

Poor stupid teenager.

I’m also really personally embarrassed to tell this story, as it reflects pretty poorly on me (WTF? Didn’t you try and get him into good music???), but I swear he has a whole bunch of Cure, My Bloody Valentine, Joy Division and Stooges Christmas and birthday discs from me, just sitting their collecting dust (ok, he liked them all for a minute and I think he still likes the Cure, but that’s where the emo-ness fits in.)

I’m kind of embarrassed on behalf of humanity actually. Thanks Eric.

*ok, not really, but I thought that was funny.